Penthouse Birdie

While on my walking exercise route, I saw a bird perched at the top of a tree.  It reminded me of one of my favorite childhood shows, "The Jeffersons"....and with a Far Side Comic like twist.....

Tweety George Jefferson had somehow secured the penthouse.  His wife, Louise, would be pleased. No more scrambling for seeds...it was Worm Mignon, sparkling sugar water and berries from now on! They had truly, moved on up to the top!  This would definitely give Louise something new to chirp about!  The bird couple were blissfully unaware that a gang of unsavory mockingbirds had moved into the tree next door.  But for a while, the Jeffersons were in prime real estate......

Turkey EUI - Exploding Under Influence

1996 Thanksgiving - Wild Turkey
And the 11th Commandment was, thou shall not cook an alcoholic turkey.  For if you fire up this bird, my wrath shall come upon your oven with raining fire and loud thunder.  So, it was, the word of God. 

Yet, we are all sinners.  And this is the tale of a lady who loved her liquor (she is from East Texas, where Natural Light Beer is the region's "water").  Judith, and we are not talking the Biblical Judith....though, they are a bit similar in demeanor.  The Biblical Judith was a wealthy and beautiful young widow, who when her town was under siege, hacked off the head of her enemies as they lie in a drunken state.  And you know how Thanksgiving is, family chaos...maybe by attempting to get the family intoxicated by bird (we'd never know what hit us as we ate...), she'd just "off" a few members of the offending visiting family!?  Anyway, I digress, back to my mother's defense of "Oprah Winfrey" made me do it!"

Typically, on Thanksgiving, my family orders a smoked turkey which cuts down the preparation time of the turkey.  However, when it arrived, the turkey was more like the turkey the Crachits (Bob Crachit was Ebeneezer Scrooge's clerk) from "A Christmas Tale" had, it was a hen...or a pigeon...something small.  Even our very small Yorkie Terrier dog thumbed his nose at this bird!  So, we went to the grocery store where a fat, juicy Butterball turkey saved us and the smoked hen could garnish this bird! 

My mom, the artist, the creative one - can't deal with a normal turkey at her table.  She had seen on "Oprah Winfrey" a Bourbon-soaked turkey and envisioned a quiet table of zoned out guests and kids, and thought, that is for me!  After all, the 1980's of "Just Say NO!" was so 10 years ago!  Did my mom follow the recipe or safety precautions?  Hell, no!  The cook was having too much fun with the Wild Turkey Bourbon and the bird in the kitchen - she was serving more drinks to that bird than an oversexed frat boy to the sorority girls.  My mom used gauze (same thing used in disasters for band aiding victims...read on till the end) to butter and bourbon this turkey all over, then poured the rest of the bourbon that she had not already consumed (wink, wink) and popped it into the oven!  She then poured all of us some champagne and we settled whilst waiting on our main meal.  Tick Tock, Tick Tock, that is the sound of God about to make his presence known.

KA-BOOM!  Wait, it was more like, KAAAAAAA-BOOOOM!  (Just make the text in your head REALLY big!)  The oven door flies open, with such force, a hinge was broken and the turkey bursts into delicious smelling flames of burnt turkey flesh laced with liquor!  Everyone's eyes were really big at this point and my Aunt Catherine made the sign of the cross on her chest.  I was really supportive of my mom by attempting to choke her neck for ruining our dinner and saying, "You cooked us a devil turkey!!"  My mom's niece was in distress, "Auntie J -you are going to ruin this turkey!"  My mom, in all of this chaos, remained cool.  She put her asbestos gloves on that she uses for her art welding, got out the turkey, smothered the fire with another pan and calmly put the offending bird into another oven (not on convection bake) and replied to all, "It's just a good charred bird!"

You may wonder where the men were in this scenario, they were watching football - did hear the boom, but couldn't be bothered during the play.  After a commercial came on, my father came in to check out the kitchen, went past the blown out oven door and straight to his empty bourbon bottle.  "Damn!  Is that my GOOD bourbon??"

Happy Mother's Day, Judith Pyeatt Grissom

We are a family because of MOM - she played several roles, backstage, centerstage -but because of her, we always had a successful production!  Happy memories, happy life - my mom is a safe place for anyone to go to.  She is an artist, a minister, a counselor, a sexy temptress to my dad, annoying at times, an excellent cook and a fun spirit!

I have many beautiful, wonderful memories with my mother - but here are 10 Memories I Love About You and Me, Mom!

10.  Bringing a tray of healthy items to my Kindergarten class - I was embarrassed at first, but you wouldn't serve your little girl, or her friends a plate of crap!  The cheese, veggies and fruit was a DO!
9.  For the small amount of spankings I received - this one was memorable!  My mom chasing a very naughty JJ outside by our pool for some kid crime I had committed and threatening me with a spanking, only she slipped and fell in!  A stunned child JJ turned around, worried if water made an already mad mom even more mad - but the cool water had cooled off her mom instead - and ended up laughing at her horrible attempt at discipline!
8.  An excited mom showing up in her daughter's room with presents as a hint of where we were going for a family vacation (a cruise) and surprised at her daughter's tears, when finding out the trip WAS NOT Disney World!
7.  A busy mom getting the MOST POPULAR girl in elementary school "Every Day of the Week" underwear as a gift for her daughter - and afterwards, regretting she did not get a Barbie and realizing she had forever scarred her daughter for life!
6.  Realizing priorities in life.  My mom busted me out of high school when I was having a bad day and took me to Neiman Marcus for some girl time!
5.  When going through sorority RUSH (Recruitment) at SMU, it was my mom who was supportive on the phone with me every night, made sure I picked out the cutest clothes and let me post Tri Delta banners, car stickers and paraphernalia everywhere around the house!
4.  A favorite comment from my mom, when hosting a Bridesmaids Tea for me in Dallas, Texas - knowing that I love afternoon tea.  "But the girls don't seem to want any tea....just champagne!"
3.  Believing in Creativity.  Garrett drew on his walls, I dumped the entire outdoor furniture set and some dishware in our pool to create an underwater city.  It even had an elevator!  Mom was not pleased, but impressed with our imaginations!
2.  When I didn't make the dance team, she immediately sent me on a college road trip to visit my cousin at Baylor!  Mom knew a party to celebrate my lack of dance skills would cheer me up!  Mom was too cool for school!
1. After slaving all day making a huge bowl of guacamole for a "Big 4" party in Galveston, clumsy JJ knocks the entire thing over - and my mom graciously comforts me, but it was truly she that needed the comforting!

A Dog & Dolphin? Getting Over the Hump



>>>>this excerpt contains strong sexual references, we recommend reading....
At Southern Methodist University (SMU) in 1996, my now husband (Rob Mackle) asked me out on a date.  He happened to be at Walgreens with his roommates when he saw a yellow & blue dolphin for sale.  Knowing that both Tri Delta & Sigma Chi colors were blue and gold, as well as Tri Delta's mascot being a dolphin, he thought it would make a nice gesture before the date.  The dolphin stuffed toy purchase also benefitted Children's Miracle Network, Sigma Chi's philanthropy - so it was a win situation all around!  I loved the dolphin immediately - and I guess we never grow out of our love for stuffed toys....so I ended up marrying him later on!

The dolphin traveled home with me to Sugar Land, Texas and found a home on my bed.  It was a symbol of my sorority and my love for Rob.  Well....apparently, this dolphin got around!

Shivas, our family pet Yorkie Terrier found the dog on its bed and made it its lover.  Lucky for Shivas, dolphins actually enjoy mating with other species.  Shivas, a dog whore, would happily take the dolphin into the living room to treat our family and horrified friends to a little stuffed animal on real animal action sex show!  My parents would wash the dolphin often, to remove (ahem...debris) and numerous chew marks - because the dolphin started to look real beat up.  The couple must have been into sadomasochism.  I shutter to imagine if this toy was washed with OUR clothing - YUCK!

Anyway, Shivas still today remains true to his dolphin lover - the tatters that remain from over-mating and over-chewing.  I am asked how Rob feels about his present to me being defiled and literally tossed to the dogs.  Rob, too distressed, won't comment.  But unlike my husband, I am not a "Cocker-Blocker!"